I have been traveling (vaguely around SE Asia) since August. I’m now sitting in a swanky Singaporean hotel, blasting AC, finding myself wanting to reflect on the last month in Bali.
Why Bali?
When researching Bali, the first thing I noticed was just how documented it is. I swear, every travel influencer has some kind of list or guide about their experience. It’s so prevalent, I assume the authorities are paying them. However, I haven’t been able to find the contact for that department, so who knows.
Influencing aside, I still wanted to go. And now you have to read my take.
Bali is billed as a place of healing: endless Yoga classes, pool lounges, and clean food. A paradise. I felt like I needed these things. Maybe I could achieve some kind of enlightenment or at least a little meaning. Once I arrived, I did find these things, but there are a few hiccups that get in the way. The Yoga, for example, is painful on my veal-like physique.
Arrival
Getting into Bali (specifically Kuta Beach), the first thing I noticed was the traffic. In Bali there are only a few ‘main’ streets. Most travel happens on single-lane surface roads. I learned that due to the recent development explosion, these roads are not able to keep up with the throughput required. This means traffic is a near constant. Luckily, the Balinese love mopeds.
✨Bali tip #1 - Avoid cars✨
I don’t just mean avoid being hit by them, but like, don’t even get in them if possible. Mopeds are the Way™. In fact, mopeds are so important to get around, the local Uber-like-app, called Grab, allows you to rent the back of a stranger’s moped, whisking you away with uneasy expediency. This way of travel is so cheap, fun and effective it would never be allowed in the US.
Thankfully, we only stayed a few nights before popping off to a small island called Gili Trawangan (here forth referred to as “Gili T”).
Scuba Time
Gili T is a bit hard to get to. I had to travel by car across to the east side of Bali for an hour to a small port. There I boarded what’s called a ‘fast boat’. These boats are essentially normal boats, but filled to the gills with gasoline which quenches a bank full of thirsty outboard motors stuffed along the back. It’s awesome.
The noxious smell of unleaded in the main cabin made the trip go by quickly. Within an hour I was deposited on Gili T’s port, only a little worse for wear.
In contrast to mainland Bali, Gili T feels like getting stranded on a desert island with a bunch of euro club kids. It’s a delightful mix of huts, horses, scuba, and techno. Gili T is considered the ‘Party Island’ by its island siblings. However, compared to the big city islands like Ibiza, I don’t think it deserves the bad rap. It’s like it bought one Alanis Morissette album from Best Buy, and now it’s the family’s bad-apple Goth kid.
The reality is, all the partying is pretty isolated to the west shore. We didn’t actually see any of the clubs until a few days in. We certainly didn’t hear them from where we were staying on the south shore. That isn’t to say it was quiet however, which leads us to our next tip.
✨Bali tip #2 - Bring ear protection✨
During my first night in Gili T, I awoke to the haunting sounds of chanting.
I quickly learned that this chanting happens every few hours, all day, and all night. It comes from the local mosques, and is designed to be loud enough to reach the neighboring islands. Our villa happened to be right next to one.
Personally, it’s not for me. However, it seems to bring joy to the locals. Occasionally I heard children over the loudspeakers having a grand time. I wondered out loud if they would let me have a go, but was cautioned against it.
While the chanting is unique to this island, the rest of Bali tends to have a similar irreverence for my sleepy time. For example, there are often ‘Moon Ceremonies’ which, apparently, require enthusiastic banging noises until late at night. So, bring ear plugs.
City Life
After I had my fill of small island life, I went back to Bali for some big island life, inland to the city of Ubud. Ubud seems to be the center of Bali’s growth. As much as traffic has taken over Bali in general, Ubud has even more. Even crossing the street is a harrowing experience.
But, it’s beautiful. Rustic statutes, bursting with unique culture and lush greenery everywhere. It’s one of the few places I’ve been to that really feels different, maybe alien.
“Bali is paradise, if paradise is one of those flesh eating plants that slowly dissolves you.”
— Anders
And there’s the issue. I don’t feel like I belong. Bali slowly dissolved me every second I spent outside. Then, as if Bali thought I wasn’t getting the hint, it gave me Bali Belly.
Bali Belly is Bali’s version of “Montezuma’s revenge,” “mummy tummy” or “Delhi belly”. It’s a four-ish day period where little microbes turn your insides into a worse version of Fyre Festival. Since everyone in Bali gets it at some point, I didn’t feel like too much of a failure. Still, not cool Bali.
✨Bali tip #3 - Bring Drugs✨
Sometimes, the toxic masculinity a part of me thinks: “I’m a big tough guy, I can fight this natural-style”. Don’t be dumb like me. Take the drugs. These microbes will happily party on despite our telepathic pleading. I toed the edge of the abyss and came back to tell you it’s not worth it.
Thankfully, despite all that, I came prepared with antibiotics. Within a few hours my suffering had stopped, and I got back outside to feed the mosquitos after starving them for days. Sorry my guys.
Departure
Hold on, let me take a selfie
I’m ready to leave now. I’m grateful for the time I spent here. I will recommend people come and see Bali for themselves. I’m just worn out. I felt like I have been camping for a month, living off the land. The spirit has been strengthened, but the body is weakened.
I need a week in the most sterile environment I can find. Where comforting wafts of bleached sheets will remind me it’s OK to let my guard down and drink the water. A place that runs on capitalism. Where all escapes from nature are available, for a price.
I need Singapore. 🛫